Monday, December 31, 2012

Au revoir 2012!

As 2012 comes to a close I must say it has been a totally exhausting one. So many ups and downs I have barely been able to keep up! And as much as this year has been chaotic there have been good things to come from it and massive achievements made, at-least for me, and I hope for you too dear friends. The beginning of the year started out pretty bleak with another hospital stay but resulted in me finally making a decision about my situation and my health. I packed up and moved my life to California to be with family and my now husband. Choosing to leave my daughter with her grandparents will always be painful and one of the hardest things I have had to do but having the much needed time to try and heal has been very beneficial to me and although I am still not quite on the right track for recovery there does seem to be a glimmer of hope. I did of course have a three day stay in hospital again in the summer resulting in finally being diagnosed bipolar with hyper-mania. Fighting for so long for a a diagnosis has paid off. In the new year I will be attending a support group and for that I am grateful. Grateful to be given the opportunity to have another support system and positive change in my life. This year I have also taken great steps in beating body dysmorphic disorder. I began uncovering in the summer (wearing shorts and t shirts) the first time for 14 years and slowly weaning myself off of makeup ( I don't wear any now and hope to continue to not to do so). A long way from the girl who could barely leave the house because of this disabling disorder. I am certainly proud of myself for these little wins. The biggest win of all for me though was getting married to better half. For this I am beyond thankful and having Josh's love and support gets me through the most harrowing of days. My guardian angel, and I hope if you read this Josh you know how much you mean to me and after being best friends for 3 years and married for almost a year now we will see in this new chapter of our lives with hope and excitement for what the future brings us. There is no one else I would want to be with on this night.

As for resolutions, I try hard not to make them, because I do mostly break them) don't we all ;) but I have promised myself I will read some of my fave literature classics again, and hopefully write more. I also hope there are some more little creative surprises along the way and more delicious music to discover.

Please be safe tonight friends, I hope you enjoy our last few hours of 2012 and please try not to leave this year with a bitter taste. After all the hardship and trials we have faced, upright we stand and that makes us just motherfucking awesome. Thank-you as always for continuing love and support and I wish you all the very best for 2013.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

A not so happy Christmas

I have been totally awful at posting here but honestly it has been a totally awful time as of late. Although I know Emma will have a good Christmas and I still made the best decision giving her up for "adoption" ( I just refer to it as that even though she is with the grandparents) Christmas time is being pesky and unbearably hard on me. It's like having a big owwwwie I cannot seem to clot. And honestly I feel guilty for even worrying about mine and Josh's future fertility, I firmly believe I shouldn't be given the blessing of being a mother again. That saddens me greatly. I don't even know what to do with all these feelings anymore. The only plus is that I still have regualr skype contact with Em. She will have a better, fuller, richer life, more than I could have given her in England and that is all I wanted for her. Maybe this time of year will always be hard on me. I hope she can always  feel my love for her. I adore you Emma Marie.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


This time around I may just be able to keep up with blogging. Things are progressively changing and I need a place to document my progress. I like journaling and the interwebs so I thought why not? Hopefully things will keep moving forward. Since moving to California I am on a great combo of meds- hurrah for Depakote and have started therapy with a complete angel of a lady, Miss Courtney Ray. I loves her. Of course my blog will mostly be about recovery from mental illness but also strange ramblings from a  bizarre girl shape, thats moi and probably some funny musings along the way. Oh and also I should probably mention I am a smitten lady these days. Marriage suits me huh?! ;)

                                Learning to fly? let's see ;)