I have been totally awful at posting here but honestly it has been a totally awful time as of late. Although I know Emma will have a good Christmas and I still made the best decision giving her up for "adoption" ( I just refer to it as that even though she is with the grandparents) Christmas time is being pesky and unbearably hard on me. It's like having a big owwwwie I cannot seem to clot. And honestly I feel guilty for even worrying about mine and Josh's future fertility, I firmly believe I shouldn't be given the blessing of being a mother again. That saddens me greatly. I don't even know what to do with all these feelings anymore. The only plus is that I still have regualr skype contact with Em. She will have a better, fuller, richer life, more than I could have given her in England and that is all I wanted for her. Maybe this time of year will always be hard on me. I hope she can always feel my love for her. I adore you Emma Marie.